On the first of December, I opened up the calendar one morning and told my 5 year old, “our baby will be born this month! The midwives think she’ll be born around the 17th. What day do you think she’ll be born?”

He chose Saturday, December 9th.

After a truly tumultuous third trimester with gestational diabetes, a safe but noticed blood pressure change (still within normal limits, but higher than previously in pregnancy), and a 37 week breast mass biopsy (benign lactation adenoma)… I had surrendered completely to whatever birth we’d have. I hoped we’d remain at Dar a Luz, but I had given up all expectation — truly. This in itself felt like a gift. I have been working towards this flexibility for years, and to feel like I was able to experience it in such a “high stakes” situation for me, felt like true peace.

At my 38 week appointment on December 6th, I saw midwife, Kate. It was such a light-hearted appointment. We laughed and chatted about the whirlwind last few weeks. I shared how at peace I was about this impending birth. I wanted to finish out my pregnancy care feeling like I was being truly loved and embraced, and this was the perfect last visit. I decided that I did, indeed, want a cervical exam at this visit. I was surprised to learn that I was 2.5-3 cm dilated, 60-70% effaced, with an anterior medium soft cervix!

Over the next few days, I focused on joy, oxytocin, and soaking up time with John and Sullivan. John and I went on a day date the morning of Friday the 8th, followed by a walk with Luna and a “family pickup” from school. That evening, we built a fire outside and roasted marshmallows for s’mores. I made Sullivan hot chocolate in his Christmas Rudolph mug. We ended the evening watching The Grinch (live action). Sully was into it. I built a little cave with his nugget and put cozy blankets down. I told him I was his “cozy partner”, and he continued to call me that all night. We watched about half the movie and Sully asked to go to bed. I read to him and laid with him that night for bedtime.

In the morning, Sully woke up at his usual time and asked to finish The Grinch, which felt like a gift because he’s usually straight to his iPad or Switch. I wasn’t ready to wake up. I had dreamt that I was contracting and woke up to an actual contraction, but made myself go back to sleep. When I heard Sully start The Grinch, I knew I didn’t want to miss watching it with him and I got up. When I went to the bathroom, I noticed a little bit of bloody show, and thought “hm, maybe we are getting closer.” I wanted to hope it would happen that day, but I didn’t want to cling to anything that I couldn’t promise myself. I went into the playroom and Sully and I “cozy partner’d” on the couch, finishing the movie while John slept in. It felt so sweet to share this with him. John went to get Chick-fil-A for breakfast.

We had a great morning just all being together. I went on a walk by myself around 10 and listened to my labor playlist. It was a beautiful day. I was feeling very mild contractions off and on all day, and noticed more bloody show. The contractions were all over the map and I largely ignored them. I loved my chilly walk, but was a bit surprised when I didn’t have any noticeable contractions while walking. I took an early afternoon nap after lunch.

When I got up, I had a few more sporadic contractions and decided to call the birth center just to give them a report… and I also wanted to know which midwife was on call. When Kate answered the phone I was elated, but again, made myself not cling to the idea of labor being imminent. I told her that I had been contracting some and noticed some bloody show. I told her I may or may not be calling later, but just wanted to keep them in the loop.

Sully and I went outside and he jumped on the trampoline while listening to Chipmunk at the Gas Pump (Dance Remix) and while he jumped I kind of danced along with him. I had some contractions there. John came out and threw the ball for Luna. Feeling like this was the start of labor, I felt so happy in those moments. I loved my family and I was truly just so grateful for this day, even if I wasn’t having a baby.

After dinner, I got into the bathtub around 5 pm. I got kind of hot, and contracted a few times in the tub, but they weren’t difficult or close together. I got out of the tub and joined Sully and John in the playroom. Sully wanted to work on the 1000 piece Mario puzzle, so we sat together at the table and worked on it. We FaceTimed Grandma, and it was during that phone call I started to think “hmm… I think tonight things will pick up after Sully goes to bed.” I texted Judy to give her an update at 6:38:

“Contractions still all over the map, but I've had a few that have felt more intense in the past 15 min. Took a bath for an hour.”

Almost as soon as we hung up with Grandma, contractions became consistent. I wasn’t convinced they’d stay this way, so I sat on the playroom couch while Sully did his evening thing.

At 7, contractions had become regular and much more notable. I still didn’t think they’d stick around, but I called Judy and told her it was probably time for her to head over. I also asked John to call Lindsay to come watch Sullivan and the midwife to give her an update. Lindsay started on her way over and Kate gently recommended we come in sooner rather than later, and especially if my water broke. I told her I was going to wait for Judy and reassess.

At 7:25, my contractions were reliably 3 minutes apart, lasting a minute long. I updated Judy and she asked if I wanted to meet at DAL. I told her no, that I wasn’t convinced this was it. Sully was in and out of my room. At one time asking if he could sit where I was leaning over so he’d be close to me during contractions.

The contractions felt strong, but I was myself in between. “Bossing” John around and making jokes. I remember laughing at the absurdity of this actually being labor. I refused to believe it. John loaded the car between my contractions and applied the TENS unit. When Judy arrived at 7:52, I told her I wasn’t convinced. She recommended going to Dar a Luz and I asked her “but what if I’m just like 3 cm” and she assured me “if you are, they’ll let you come back home”, and that was good enough for me.

Lindsay arrived at 8:10 and we were moving towards the car. Lindsay asked how I was and I told her, “I don’t know. I’m not convinced this is it.” I had a contraction and she said, “not convinced huh?” I gave Sully a big hug and kiss and we left.

The drive to the birth center was not fun. My hips were really hurting in the car. I wished John had packed the car differently so I could be on hands and knees in the back. He drove swiftly to Dar a Luz and we hit minimal traffic. At a light close to the center, we had to wait and it felt it was taking forever. That contraction was the absolute hardest of the ride.

We made it to Dar a Luz at 8:30 and midwife Kate was waiting on us. I remember telling her as I contracted in the living room, that I wasn’t convinced. She basically said, “well, let’s see” and ushered me back to the birthing suite. She had the tub ready and put up the sling for me. I realized that Steph, a nurse, was already there too, and I thought “that’s weird. They only call in the nurse when birth is imminent.”

It felt like my team gave me plenty of time while the midwife did intake. Everything was totally normal. When she listened to Maren, I knew this was for real because the doppler was so far down on my pubic bone. I’ve seen enough birth to realize when baby is on their way, and when they need to listen THAT far down, we’re at the point of no return. I told Kate that I wasn’t sure there was a baby in there. It might be an alien or a monkey, despite the ultrasounds, the prenatal visits, and everyone else knowing it was a baby… I wasn’t sure.

Next step was a check, but I didn’t really even care what it was at that point. I knew we were having a baby. I made my way to the bed and Kate checked my cervix. I don’t remember the check itself at all, but I remember her telling us that I was 6 cm, 100% effaced, and baby was at 0 station. I made my way to the tub.

The water felt great in between contractions. It was so comforting, but I really did not like having contractions in the tub. I couldn’t find a comfortable position there, but the breaks were restful, so I stayed. Judy handed me combs. I remember laboring there and moving into hands and knees during contractions or a side sit. I think I went into runner’s pose a few times and rocked my hips back and forth. I remember hearing from Kate and Judy that my movement was great.

Eventually, I asked for the nitrous. Pretty quickly after, my water broke. It was a strange feeling. I didn’t notice more pressure afterward, but I think I did enter transition shortly after it released. I labored there using nitrous and really started to vocalize. I remember saying “I can’t do this” and everyone reminded me that I was doing it. I also remember saying, “the only reason I’m not at UNMH getting an epidural right now is because I absolutely cannot get in the car.”

I did not feel like I was on this planet during this time. Labor (and maybe the nitrous) had me on an entirely different plane. At one point Judy reminded me of all the positives. I was at Dar a Luz. I had labored at home. Everything was always working out for me (my pregnancy motto). I apparently responded with, “I’m very happy and I hate this a lot.”

I hadn’t peed since being in the tub, and my team wanted me to try. I don’t know how much longer it was, but I wasn’t able to in the tub. During this time, all I can really remember is vocalizing through contractions and shaking my head as I felt one build. It was like I knew it had to happen but I wanted my displeasure known. Internally, my motto was “I’m ok. I’m ok,” and “I can do this”. I also remember listening to my playlist and telling John when to skip either by saying “Skip!” Or twirling my finger in the air.

Kate and Judy recommended I get out of the tub to try to pee on the toilet. I sat and tried for a while but couldn’t. Kate came and started squeezing up and down my legs. It felt so comforting and I remember telling her “please don’t stop doing that”. She did that for a while and then recommended I turn around. Judy gave me a pillow for the back of the toilet and Kate gently massaged my back with a towel. I don’t remember how, but I remember loving it. I remember really vocalizing through contractions in this position and getting mad. I also remember focusing on urinating and knew I hadn’t done that. Kate asked me to move to the bed for a check. I asked if she needed to do a catheter to release urine.

My body started to bear down. Instinctively I knew the pressure was because she was coming. I knew it, but couldn’t communicate what I was feeling. In these moments I felt truly alone, but not in a lonely way. Just in a “I am on this journey alone” way. Around this time, I’m unclear if anyone knew what was happening. Kate asked me to do one more contraction and move to the bed. I immediately stood up and moved. Things were really blurry here. As soon as I got to the bed, I think everyone caught on to the fact that I was pushing. I got into a side lying position.

From here, all I remember is Kate saying “I can confirm that Maren has hair” and it was ON. Stephanie and Kate told me that I was in the perfect gentle position. I told Maren to “GET OUT” and her head was born, followed by another contraction and her body was here. I don’t remember experiencing the ring of fire, just so much pressure. When I felt her body come through, I remember feeling like time was slow and I wanted to catch my breath, but Judy told me I immediately reached down for her and brought her to me. I was in so much shock and felt so much joy and pride. I had done it and the team was commenting on how immediately perfect she was. So pink, so alert! She was born at 11:43 pm on December 9th, just as her big brother had chosen. She weighed 6 pounds 7 ounces and was 19 inches long.

I remember saying “oh my gosh I did it! I did that.” I also remember kissing her and being immediately overwhelmed that she was real. She hadn’t felt real my entire pregnancy. I told them “she’s not an alien” and Kate said “and not a monkey.”

She latched easily and without pain. Her first glucose check at about an hour after birth was 1 point low so we opted for the glucose gel. My bleeding was a little heavier than they like to see, so I had methergine at some point, after active management with Pitocin. Kate checked for lacerations. I had a very minor 2nd degree perineal tear but it was very midline and even with my legs in a froggy position, came together well and wasn’t bleeding. It was her opinion that stitches would cause more issues, so no stitches! Yay!

I was able to continue feeding her. I took a shower. We slept and fed. Her remaining checks were all normal. We were discharged and left around 7 am.

When we got home, Sully came down to meet her. He said he was so happy that Maren was born and it was the four of us together. He said he was “made to be a big brother” and held her on the couch. He was super smitten. Lindsay left shortly after (what a godsend!) holding her and I made my way to bed where I peacefully rested. Sully played on the switch and iPad in bed and in the playroom. The boys and Maren napped while I was too hyped to sleep. It was the perfect first day. Maren ate well and I remember feeling just so elated and happy. This experience was everything I wanted.

Right now, if I had to put my experience into a few words, I’d say it was:

Empowering. Inspiring. Perfect. Joyous. Incredible.