One Hundred Tweet-able Jokes

Everyone knows that I enjoy a good joke. Corny jokes are my forte. So, just for you, I've compiled a list of one hundred of my favorite TWEET-ABLE jokes! 

1. I tried to catch fog yesterday... mist.
2. And the Lord said unto John, "come forth and you will receive eternal life." John came 5th and won a toaster.
3. What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey
4. Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.
5. [Tweet "How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for fresh prints."]
6. Apparently someone gets stabbed in Detroit every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
7. What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter; it's not going to come.
8. Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
9. What do you call a seagull flying over a bay? A bagel.
10. [Tweet "What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick."]
11. What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it!
12. How does Jesus make tea? Hebrews it.
13. Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.
14. What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!
15. [Tweet "What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic."]
16. What do you get when you put a candle in a suit of armor? A knight light.
17. What’s the last thing that goes thru a bug’s mind as he hits the windshield? His butt.
18. Where does a sheep go for a haircut? To the baaaaa baaaaa shop!
19. What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
20. [Tweet "Why did the policeman smell bad? He was on duty."]
21. Difference b/w a bad golfer & bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes *Whack* "Aww crap"! A bad skydiver goes "Aww crap" *Whack*!
22. if you can't convince them, confuse them.
23. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
24. What is it called when Batman skips church? Christian "Bail"
25. [Tweet "What are black spots on a cow called? Hol-stains!"]
26. Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar? A: The lid said, "Twist to open."
27. What was more important than the invention of the first telephone? The second one.
28. Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish. The results speak for themselves.
29. What do you call a computer that sings? A Dell.
30. [Tweet "Why do spiders make good outfielders? Because they catch flies."]
31. Q. What did the cross eyed teacher say to the principal? A. "I can't control my pupils!"
32. How do you spell rat trap in three letters? C-A-T.
33. A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu.
34. Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid.
35. [Tweet "What does a Snowman take when he gets sick? A chill pill!"]
36. What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
37. Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
38. What does an electrician get for Christmas? Shorts.
39. Photographers are so violent. They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.
40. [Tweet "What do you call a piece of meat that's getting made fun of? Roasted beef."]
41. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. 
42. Q: What do you call a snake that studies past events? A: A hisssstorian.
43. What happens when a frog's car breaks down? It gets toad away….
44. What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.
45. [Tweet "Q: What is the best way to make an apple crumble? A: Torture it for ten minutes."]
46. Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his lunch? Because he was stuffed.
47. What day do potatoes hate the most? Fry-day.
48. Q: How do you tune a fish? A: Adjust its scales.
49. What's a turkeys favorite dessert? Peach gobbler.
50. [Tweet "I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom. It looks a lot more classy now."]
51. Me and my friends are in a band called "Duvet". It's a cover band.
52. Where do poor meatballs live? In the spaghetto.
53. What do the films Titanic and Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.
54. I've got a phobia about over-engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.
55. [Tweet "I just burned my Hawaiian pizza. I should have put it on aloha temperature."]
56. What's small, red and whispers? A hoarse radish.
57. Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
58. What did the winner of the not moving contest get? Atrophy.
59. The English language is pretty strange and confusing. You can understand it through tough thorough thought though.
60. [Tweet "First rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no."]
61. French people give me the crêpes.
62. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
63. Some guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
64. Q: My local butcher is seven foot tall and a size fourteen shoe.. what does he weigh? A: Sausages.
65. [Tweet "Q: Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on some chewing gum? A: He got stuck in Orbit. "]Q: Why does a hummingbird hum? A: Because it doesn't know the words.
66. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
67. Don't kiss your wife with a runny nose. You might think it's funny, but it's snot.
68. Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief? He had loco motives
69. Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.... Then it's a soap opera.
70. [Tweet ""Does this uniform make me look fat?" - insecurity guard"]
71. You heard the rumor going around about butter? Nevermind, I shouldn't spread it.
72. What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.
73. How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.
74. Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.
75. [Tweet "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Its ok, he woke up."]
76. How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.
77. I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said "wii".
78. Where are average things built? In the satisfactory.
79. What's the worst thing about ancient history class? The teachers tend to Babylon.
80. [Tweet "Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester."]
81. How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?... 1 or 2? 1... or 2?
82. Just read a few facts about frogs. They were ribbiting.
83. My dog Minton ate a shuttlecock... Bad Minton.
84. Subway. Lettuce meat olive your expectations.
85. [Tweet "What did the hungry clock do? Went back four seconds!"]
86. What's the difference between a well dressed man on a a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle? Attire!
87. I jumped into the sea today. My friends pier pressured me into it.
88. I've told you a million times not to exaggerate!
89. Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All the fans left. 
90. [Tweet "Have you heard of that fancy new chinese resteraunt? Suit and Thai."]
91. I had a dream about a horse last night, turned out to be a night mare.
92. You can tell the sex of an any by dropping it in water. It sinks: girl ant.... It floats: boy ant.
93. A falling battery killed a man today. It was charged with murder.
94. Knock knock. Whos there? Owls. Owls who? Yes they do.
95. [Tweet "What's the one kind of key that doesn't open doors? Monkeys."]
96. A termite walked into a pub and asked: "Is the bar tender here?"
97. Two walnuts and a cashew get into a fight in a bar. The cashew says, "Pecan somebody your own size!"
98. I was abducted by a band of mimes. They did unspeakable things.
99. My friend got hit in the head by a can of soda. Lucky for him it was a soft drink.
100. [Tweet "Q: What do you call a sleeping dinosaur. A: A dinosnore!"]

I hope this post spread a little post-holiday cheer for you. Tweet your favorites and share the love!